An English extremist in Egypt

I have to say I was a trifle surprised to learn that our building manager considered me a potential member of Isis. Given that the number of middle aged, white Englishmen who had left our green and pleasant land to wage violent jihad in the Middle East has consistently hovered around the zero mark, at least no one could accuse him of ethnic profiling.

Having already passed a pleasant two months in the apartment with my friend Ziad, that had remained largely uneventful on the terrorism front and having had only pleasant encounters with the other occupants, it was difficult to see what had led him to this conclusion. He had revealed his concerns about me in a phone call to our landlady where he also raised the possibility that, if not a terrorist, I would be an endless source of trouble with the police. Principally this theory revolved around me being akin to Giulio Regeni, the Italian student abducted and tortured to death, presumably by security services, for making awkward political enquiries. If not killed by shadowy forces, I could be a victim of what has essentially become my adopted Egyptian family, namely my friend Mariam and her mother. The sheer absurdity of this needs to be understood: they are of course two of the loveliest people you could ever hope to meet and given that even the sight of a neglected puppy on an animal welfare Facebook post is likely to traumatise them, it is safe to say that their capacity for cold blooded murder is somewhat negligible.

Our humble street in Alexandria

As my presence was clearly an existential threat to national security, the manager surmised that our landlady would have to deal with visits from the local police every couple of days to check I either wasn’t assembling explosive devices or a lifeless corpse.  No disrespect to the fine officers of the Alexandrian police force but they have a numerous issues of greater importance to keep them occupied than checking up on foreigners like me. If anything I’d say Egyptian police are generally more concerned about the welfare of western tourists than they are of many Egyptians as they could do without the extra paperwork and bad press if we end up in trouble. Even so, the prospect of them sending an officer around several times a week was met only with howls of laughter from my Egyptian friends.

The other problem for the manager was Mariam coming to visit us, despite the fact Ziad is her cousin and with me being slightly older than her parents I’d like to think that, “must be indulging in wild, lustful, alcohol fuelled orgies”, isn’t the first thing that comes to anyone’s mind. This however is Egypt and this is exactly the kind of thing that comes to mind of a rather too many adult men.  The concept of two unmarried people of the opposite sex and not close family members, being in the same room and not immediately ripping their clothes off and partaking in frenzied rutting is utterly alien to these men. Even Mariam’s mum coming round to explain that she had complete confidence and trust in both Ziad and I to restrain our unbridled lusts was not enough to convince him of the innocence of the situation. His boundless zealotry even extended to phoning the parents of two young women who lived in a flat upstairs whenever they had the looseness of morals to come home even a minute after midnight. Even the building’s bowab (the form of budget concierge all apartment blocks have), that keen guardian of the nation’s morality, had found no need to comment on our behaviour and bowabs are never ones to turn a blind eye to sinful acts on their watch.

Despite all the entreaties on my behalf by Ziad and Mariam’s mum, the deranged manager remained immune to common sense and so the next day I was ordered to leave. All my dear, adopted Egyptian family were completely mortified and apologetic that such a thing could happen but I was still too busy laughing at the sheer preposterousness of it all to be unduly upset.

Beyond the manager’s contorted obsession with perceived sexual behaviour it was difficult to fathom any typical Egyptian motivations to his actions.  Could it be racism?  Although Nubians (darker skinned Egyptians from the south) and black Africans can experience racism in Egypt, I have never experienced the slightest hint of such prejudice, if anything the complete opposite. Even the annoying ripoffs that can occur in tourist areas, I’d never ascribed to racism, so I’m reluctant to make that conclusion here. I shall just have to assume he is simply barking mad and relishing the power trip of exerting control over his paltry, little dominion.