No doubt you’ve all heard wonderful things about Colombia, so there’s no point in me repeating them all here is there? So, at great effort and minimal expense I made an intrepid search to discover all the rubbish bits about the country that other blogs won’t tell you about.
The tragic failings of paper tissues
Whoever it was in the Colombian, paper serviette design department, they didn’t get the message that the whole point of the object is to remove a substantial portion of greasy food traces from the hands and faces of diners, or other parts of the body in some extenuating circumstances – not smearing it around a bit whilst only absorbing about 5% of the total liquid content of the food stain. Given the miniscule size of the items and their miraculous thinness they would probably be better employed in rolling a joint of the rather acceptable weed the country has to offer. Once you’re stoned you won’t be particularly concerned about having half your meal daubed across your face. Just remember to skin up before you eat the meal and get pork fat all over your fingers as it impairs your rolling ability.
Perhaps the country’s one redeeming feature are the large stone penises
Cocaine prices
Colombia’s principle export of nose powder goes for around $7 per gram at tourist rates. (Legal disclaimer – drugs are bad, blah blah etc) For God’s sake! Do these drug dealers have no business sense? Do they not know how much we have to pay for the stuff back home? What kind of self-respecting drug dealer charges reasonable prices to tourists? You’re meant to fleece the shit out of them, whilst pretending you’re doing them a favour. If the rest of the Colombian business community was so neglectful of their duties the economy would still be back in the stone age.
Apparently some people are keen on immaculately restored, quaint, old colonial towns such as Villa de Leyva. How a tourist industry can support such lunatics remains a mystery
Luxury bus services
The main reason for going to the extra expense of a luxury bus service is if you have a quantity of perishable goods to transport and need the icy temperatures of the air-conditioning to keep them in a state of suspended animation. I didn’t come to the tropics to wear a fucking jumper and feel the urge for a steaming mug of coco.
Cartagena street salesmen
When standing in the street, sensibly wearing my hat to protect me from the sun and even more sensibly drinking an ice cold beer to protect me from the sweltering heat and humidity; the two items not at the top of my shopping list are hat and can of beer. This seemingly self evident truth remains oblivious to the copious beer and hat street sellers of the elegant, colonial tourist trap of Cartagena. They would continually proffer their wares to me in spite of me clearly displaying all the signs of satisfaction in both departments. Note these are two separate services, no one has yet to combine both beer and hat provision as one function.
Colombians insist on covering up perfectly acceptable rusty fences and decaying buildings with graffiti
Toilet paper waste placement conundrum
Even the only moderately seasoned traveller is aware that outside the civilised environs of the West many countries lack waste disposal systems capable of coping with the inordinate quantities of paper we require to clean our nether regions after a good dump. Perfectly reasonable. It’s not for us privileged westerners to impose our eccentric ways on other nations. What however, is beyond reason, unless Colombia has an entirely anomalous preponderance of left-handers, is the placement of the requisite waste receptacle on the left hand side of the toilet. In the confined spaces of a toilet, we respectable, right hand arse wipers have to undertake the complex gymnastics of transferring the fetid papers to the inconvenient side. This delicate process opens up numerous prospects of smearing our excretions over nearby surfaces or, more troublingly, ourselves. As this must be a deeply embedded cultural practice it would clearly cause great offense to move the sacred receptacle so we are obliged to negotiate this health hazard in defiance of all common sense.
Many of the views in the country are blocked by Fernando Botero’s sculptures of large ladies
Chinese food?
Of course no one expects food to be exactly the same as in its country of origin but Colombia takes this principle beyond all the realms of acceptability. With Chinese food one would like to imagine that at least one, actual Chinese person has contributed at some point in the process before the food reaches your table. In most of the alleged Chinese restaurants in Colombia, the nearest anyone Chinese has got to your food is the guy in a factory in Chengdu who made the cheap plastic, red and gold decorations on the wall beside you. As evidence for the prosecution in this case of crimes against humanity I include the photo below of what purports to be chop suey. Since when were chips and ketchup traditional Chinese food? And as for sliced hot dog in egg fried rice it could only have any claim to being oriental if it contained genuine dog.
Chop Suey?
The tragedy of green vegetables
By some unfortunate, genetic quirk, the Colombians are cursed with an indecent intolerance to chlorophyll. The lethal dose of green vegetables barely exceeds a desert spoon of salad – the legally enshrined maximum quantity to be provided in any meal, outside of premises specially licensed to serve foreigners not so encumbered by this DNA mutation. Should a Colombian inadvertently overdose on green vegetables the rapid administration of a kilo of deep fried pork fat is essential to avoid a possible fatality.
Obviously after this devastating critique I’m sure you have considered crossing Colombia off your bucket list but I hope you can see past these seemingly insurmountable challenges and give the country a go. After all, no pain no gain, as they say.
haha funny one MIster Golden Graham!
Flipping Brilliant!